I shall survive this

 

Yesterday was a good day. I studied a lot more than I had in years and it felt like I could do something. I was happy. I was content with myself and I was hopeful. 

Should've known it won't last for long lol. I still remember when I was younger I used to be grateful for the day I didn't have breakdowns that's how often I used to have them. It's funny how I was made to believe for years that everything would somehow work out on its own and when it didn't, I was blamed for believing.

 

I wonder if my older self would look at these moments like I look at my younger self days. Days which were better than they are now.

 

I kind of want to have proof of these incidents so that I can come back and see what I have survived.

 

I was conditioned to believe my parents were not shitty people but alas, they are. For a moment I would ignore the fact that they are very close minded people. I would also ignore how they have certain views about marriage that I personally do not agree with.

 

Today I was eating dinner with them. All of a sudden mother asks if my sister had gotten into a prestigious college or not. I said she didn't get in. I was then asked if I had  gotten in any of the jobs I had applied for, I hadn't. My father laughed. My mother scoffed. I was told to apply for clerk or even peon post and ridiculed and then told, "it was just a joke."

I did not find it funny. I've never found your jokes funny.

 

If I can get through this I can through anything it seems. And I know I would survive this. I would believe more in myself because that's how I have decided to treat myself from now on. With respect, that is.

One of these days I'm going to make it big, not because I want to shut you all losers but because I deserve to be happy after all the hell you've put me through.

That day you would lie about how you had believed in me but I would know that you hadn't believed in me because I would have this proof. 

 

Anyways, I have realised I do have an idol now. Taylor Alison Swift. I know it's not as smart as having a scientist or i don't know having like someone like APJ Kalam as your idol but it is what it is. This woman has been through hell and survived. I too  aspire to survived this shit I am in now.   

You seem to be doing better than I am and I hate it. 

Anyways.

I can do this.

Fighting me. 

Also, I fucking love all Haikyuu characters. 

Once I have means to earn tons of money I would buy all Haikyuu manga and cry while reading them because that's how much I love each and every one of them.

Yes, I wished for apocalypse.. but not like this

For a long time, I don't even know why and how it started, I've been fascinated by the idea of living in an apocalypse if that even makes sense. It does not, I know. 
Anyway, now that we, as humans are facing a pandemic and everyone is basically trapped in their house because the virus is airborne it seems. It's shit. Listening to people go haywire over how they feel trapped  having forced to do nothing. Sigh.
Today has been a bad day until it wasn't all that bad, if that makes sense. Mum said if I was a boy, I would've gotten a job by now. I don't know what to say about that besides how stupid that thought is. Granted, I wouldn't have to worry about periods and go through the pain every fucking month, but I'd still be me. How do these sexist thoughts form in her head is beyond me. 
I was making efforts to get a job but now it all seems futile. I could be dead in a few months from the virus for all I know, getting a job seems not that important to me anymore lol.
Dumb-fucking person Joshua mentioned me in his tweet on his birthday and I hate him. Kind of want to talk to him since the apocalypse but then, I shouldn't be wasting my time on him if the world is ending.
Finally found Skhem. Apparently he got into police ABSI whatever that means. Wouldn't have pegged him for a police person but I guess that's better than being jobless so...

started learning Russian, it seemed kinda hard, gave up. Still have the app on the phone though.
Thinking about going digital for my current affairs notes. Can't find a nice app.
Things I look forward to:
A Piece of Your Mind
Terrace House
Heart Signal 3
The Married Life
Better Call Saul

I feel not enough

So, I just got my result of RBI and I didn't get in,again.I feel awful. I kind of didn't even want to write here because I wanted this whole blog to be full of moments when I felt happy. 

I saw a jdrama once where the main character says, "There are always times in people's life when they are at their peak and after that the life is all downhill." I feel like my peak was in high school and that wasn't even THAT high of a peak. Sure, I felt like I was smart and looked down on others who were worse at studies than me, but I was still an outcast, was bullied, had no best friends (still have no friends).

College was shit. I didn't learn shit. There's a moment in my last semester of college that basically sums up all the four years I spent there. Some new teachers, who studied in IITs were assigned to teach in our college. Most of them were not that much into teaching (like most of the teachers there), but one in particular seemed very full of himself and thought he could teach us what was supposed to be taught in 4 years, in a month. I barely attended his class but as the college threatened us with we-will-not-let-you-take-exams-if-you-have-short-attendence. I had to attend his class. I don't remember what the topic was, but I know the teacher was discussing exam paper with the class. He was asking everyone their answers and I was trying to duck my head low enough so that he doesn't ask me any questions but apparently it was not low enough, as he asked me a question. And since, I didn't study in college, I obviously gave wrong answer. I remember this moment so clearly. He started laughing and looking at the whole class and went, "wait, do we have some freshman mistakenly sitting in this class? I think a freshman would have more knowledge than you do."
Did he make me feel awesome? Um.. no. Did his mocking my lack of knowledge made me want to prove him wrong by topping the next exam? haha, no. But, I still feel like shit. So, I guess he succeeded.

Now that I think about it, if I had studied in IIT college and after post-graduate, got a job which paid 1 lakh rupees per month, I would also look down on someone who is studying in a shitty college and seems stupid to my eyes.

After being looked at by people as someone who is stupid for the whole of my college life. I have new found respect for people who just don't give a fuck about studies. And loath those top 10% "smart people" who boast about getting good grades in an exam. Like, you do you but don't look down on those who don't care about your supposed "smartness".
Don't get me wrong, I don't think those people are not smart, neither do I think that their effort shouldn't be applauded. I just think, just because they got in a good college or have a job which pays a lot of money, doesn't give them any right to look down on others. 

Anyway, since I have talked about things that make me sad. Now I'm going to write things that made me happy in the past couple of days:

Silence of the REM by Hash Swan: The whole album is so so so good.

I specifically like this song called "5 more minutes." It's kind of dark but not in the "oh, I'm gonna wear black mascara, dress in all black and paint my nails black too because that's gothic and coooool,"  but more like, sitting in a corner looking at your phone and suddenly there's a poll of "who here thinks they are a psychopath?" and though there's nothing distinctive about your appearance, you're the first one to raise your hand while you're still looking at phone, all nonchalant like, "I'm a psychopath duh." and everyone's literally staring at you while you don't seem to give a fuck.
So, when I first heard this song I thought in the chorus he says, "Close my eyes and count to 5, am I fucking psychopath?" and that was the reason I instantly fell for this song. But, when I looked up the lyrics online, apparently it is, "Close my eyes again right away, am I a fucking psychopath?" I mean, it's less impactful for me personally, but I still LOVE the song.

Also, the way Koreans say psychopath is so cool. idk.... it just feels more psychopathic?

Oh and when I was listening to Certified Noonas, one of them mentioned this album as, "So, Hash Swan has a new album out and even though I don't usually like rap songs I still LOVE the whole album. He's cursing a lot in the album and usually I don't like cursing in songs but, with this album, I'm like," hmm i see you, but it sounds good, so I don't care, CURSE AWAY KING". " This isn't exactly what she said but it was something like this.
Anyway, it made me listen to the album and I'm soooo glad I did listen to it, as it brings joy to me, haha.


Also, the day after today the new NCT-127 album is coming out. WOOOOO! Today is Kick-It Day! I hope it is good. Jaebaaaal~~~

I also like this indie band called Poetic Narrator. They're kind of like a more hyper Akmu if that makes sense.

Also, I hope The Rose can make music again.

Anyways, I have decided to work harder until I get a job.

Fighting, me!
The Rose too, fighting!

Frances Ha and The Moment I Fall in Love with a Fictional Character Again.

Someone I follow on twitter was gushing about this movie which I had heard that Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach had made together and I was kind of curious about it as I LOVED Marriage Story (obviously duh) and even though I wasn't a HUGE fan of Lady Bird I AM very curious about Greta Gerwig's Little Women. Anyway, when I saw her tweet about how amazing it was, I was like, "Hmm, let me see what the fuss is all about." And I am SO SO glad I watched this movie. Because I LOVE it. 

It's just the moment when the opening scene happens and the character does something and you just know that you're going to love them. When Sophie and Frances were pretend fighting and everything was in black and white and it just... fell in love. 

So, I'm writing this blog so that when I feel awful someday about things being shitty I can read this back and remember the time I felt happy while watching a movie.

Also, for some reason, this movie reminded me of Amelie. I don't even know why.  

Some random shots from the movie I found on the Internet messily here and there and altogether just like that dance Frances made which I didn't quite understand. We shall call that 'Abstract Art'.
Also, how can people take screenshots while watching something they love? When I love something I just want to feel it all and not distract myself by pausing the movie and stuff like that, idk.

Some things I have been doing lately? 

• trying to procrastinate less.
• Even though today is Sunday and I did very little studying.
• Worrying about The Rose as they have filed a suit against their company and the chances of them getting a clean break seems not that good and even tho it feels awful to be selfish but I don't want them to stop making music. I hope they are able to come out of it clean. 
• Hoping the new NCT 127 album: Neo Zone would be as good as the previews make it sound like and that they can get more appreciation from more people.
• Hope coronavirus would get cured? idk it seems really freaky from the looks of it.
• Hope I can get a job. JAEBAAAAAAL~~~~

Anyway, things I'm watching these days:

• Money Game because EUGENE lol. When the fuck would they actually meet? It's been 5 fucking episodes already urghhh. Just look at him! 
  
• Tunnel even tho it's very overdramatic.
• Kinda wanna restart watching Better Call Saul.
• Hi, Bye Mama even though it's not that good. Eh.
• Dropped Itaewon Class because eh.
• Still haven't fully watched Stove League. 2 episodes to go.

What has been up study-wise?

• kinda had planned to catch up everything by tomorrow but as I procrastinated today it seems highly unlikely. Thinking about pulling an all-nighter but urghh that felt awful when I did it last time because I drank 1 cup of coffee and 2 cups of tea in a single day and my mind was like, "What is sleep? Never heard of her" lol.
• About to catch all the way up to 29 Feb on current affairs. Only about 9 days behind lol.
• planning to do tests every day after all the catching up lol.

What has been up life-wise?

• Mum got sick and got thinner again and I might have gained weight again I don't even wanna weigh myself and be disappointed.
• Sister would come on Friday. I might give my orange hoodie to her if it looks good with the denim jacket she has bought idk it'll be too hot to wear both though, we'll see.
• LET'S GET A JOB THO.

Been listening to ILYSB cover of The Rose while writing all this. Idk felt appropriate. 

Also, that XX drama starring EXID Hani was good enough. Kinda stupid at times but still good. 

Also, I listened to the whole BTS new album. Nope, I still don't like their music.

The new Monsta X album was pretty good, sounded very very similar to One Direction. 

ILYSB By Lany and the urge to eat songs?

The day before yesterday was better than my usual procrastinating self but I could not study for as long as I had planned for. Then, yesterday the weather was A-W-F-U-L so I did nothing. And today, I, once again, fell into The Rose hole which is a nice hole to fall into because um... fucking great music, but, that just means me procrastinating so... yeah, lol. 

So, when I was obsessing over The Rose last week I did see an interview when Woosung mentioned Lany but I ignored it as most of the time it's highly unlikely for me to like the artists that the artist that I like, likes. Meaning, the chances of me liking an artist whom he mentioned seemed pretty low even though they did mention Coldplay and The 1975, both of whom I do like some songs of but not THAT much. Anyway, I was procrastinating on Youtube and then I came across this jtbc show called Super Band where they did this awesome cover of Creep. 
And then I found out Woosung was in it and so I searched the whole internet for clips of him singing and found him covering this song and now, it's been half an hour since I've been listening to the cover of this song by Woosung on repeat.
Moments like these remind me of the time I used to have the urge to share whatever thing I like with Joshua. I kind of felt weirdly sad but also weirdly happy about not being that person anymore, if that even makes sense.   
Also, I found another super underrated Korean band called Gift while searching up clips of Super Band. They seem pretty awesome. Maybe I'd obsess over them next week.
Also, also Woosung's voice! I'm still so in love with it that I kind of hate myself like, "get over it already, you" I can't obviously. 
Oh and I suddenly appreciate the song BABY so much more now. It's too good, really.

Fenne Lily and the loneliness that keeps on growing

It's one of those days when I feel sad without even knowing exactly what I'm sad about. It's like I know in the back of my head the reason behind all this sadness and I'm trying to catch it so that I can crush it or something, and just when I feel like I'm going to catch it, it disappears. So, here I am listening to my favorite Fenne Lily songs on repeat and hoping the next day I would be able to achieve more than I was able to today.

Maybe it's the joblessness that's making me feel worthless or maybe the depression has kicked in again. Like I said, I can't quite put my finger on the reason why. 

But then again, it feels like this type of sadness has always been there. 

I liked to think I was the type of person who could stay alone for a long time without exactly being bothered by the loneliness. But, apparently not. 

Today, it was Sunday but it wasn't holiday because Republic Day. So, the parents were not home even though they usually are on Sundays. I was waiting and waiting but both of them were not arriving home. And then, Oorie Appa came home and as he was entering the house I almost teared up. Am I going insane or what? I don't know.

I have made a list of things I'm going to finish today and I'm planning to study for 7 hours tomorrow lol. I hope I can do that. I can use havin' a job, I guess. 

On days like these I feel like it must be nice to have a friend.

Things I'm grateful for:

• The Rose.
• Woosung of The Rose's voice!!!!!!!!!!!
• James McAvoy's scottish accent!!!!!!!!!!!  
• I have lost count of the times I've watched that James McAvoy video about that gay fan art thing. I found it funny each time. Does it even make sense?