I shall survive this

 

Yesterday was a good day. I studied a lot more than I had in years and it felt like I could do something. I was happy. I was content with myself and I was hopeful. 

Should've known it won't last for long lol. I still remember when I was younger I used to be grateful for the day I didn't have breakdowns that's how often I used to have them. It's funny how I was made to believe for years that everything would somehow work out on its own and when it didn't, I was blamed for believing.

 

I wonder if my older self would look at these moments like I look at my younger self days. Days which were better than they are now.

 

I kind of want to have proof of these incidents so that I can come back and see what I have survived.

 

I was conditioned to believe my parents were not shitty people but alas, they are. For a moment I would ignore the fact that they are very close minded people. I would also ignore how they have certain views about marriage that I personally do not agree with.

 

Today I was eating dinner with them. All of a sudden mother asks if my sister had gotten into a prestigious college or not. I said she didn't get in. I was then asked if I had  gotten in any of the jobs I had applied for, I hadn't. My father laughed. My mother scoffed. I was told to apply for clerk or even peon post and ridiculed and then told, "it was just a joke."

I did not find it funny. I've never found your jokes funny.

 

If I can get through this I can through anything it seems. And I know I would survive this. I would believe more in myself because that's how I have decided to treat myself from now on. With respect, that is.

One of these days I'm going to make it big, not because I want to shut you all losers but because I deserve to be happy after all the hell you've put me through.

That day you would lie about how you had believed in me but I would know that you hadn't believed in me because I would have this proof. 

 

Anyways, I have realised I do have an idol now. Taylor Alison Swift. I know it's not as smart as having a scientist or i don't know having like someone like APJ Kalam as your idol but it is what it is. This woman has been through hell and survived. I too  aspire to survived this shit I am in now.   

You seem to be doing better than I am and I hate it. 

Anyways.

I can do this.

Fighting me. 

Also, I fucking love all Haikyuu characters. 

Once I have means to earn tons of money I would buy all Haikyuu manga and cry while reading them because that's how much I love each and every one of them.